Well Friday was supposed to be the start of a fun, and exciting weekend.

- First workout at Lifetime in over a year. (complete with personal trainer)
- Uncle JuJu at Daddy Jacks
- Caps on Saturday
- And maybe even a movie on Sunday.

But none of that was meant to be.
At least not the way we had planned. I guess an ambulance ride would have to suffice.

Those of you that have never seen the inside of an ambulance from the stretcher perspective you’re missing out.

It’s like getting your big break on Third Watch or ER. I got to play the part of “Victim #1″ Friday night.

Jana and I arrived at Lifetime for our work out and met our trainer Angie.
Things started off just fine and we were getting a pretty good workout, and having a good time. Angie was visibly tired and admittedly hungry, as we were her last clients of the day.

When she announced that we were going to move on to the lower body work out I was pleased. I’ve always had pretty good leg power (perhaps all those years swimming) so this phase of the work out seemed a good place to wrap things up.

But the machine we were headed to was unfamiliar to me.
It said “SQUATS” on it but I didn’t belive it. I’ve done squats before…I even enjoyed them. Further I could plainly see the squat machine a few rows over. I’d used it many times.

When I stepped on it and followed Angie’s instructions I could tell before I even began lifting that this wasn’t a SQUAT machine. It was a cleverly disguised torture device meant to make us pay for delaying Angie’s dinner plans.

Still I wasn’t going to let some girl physical trainer get the best of me so I lifted the mother anyway. I don’t know how much weight it was but I got my 15 reps in and stepped of like a MAN damn it!

Jana got on the torture device and I started to stretch my quads a bit.

I don’t know why but for some reason I thought that stretching my legs may help ease the nausea I was feeling.

I knelt down a bit and felt only slightly better when it was my turn again for round two on the medieval contraption.

This round didn’t take as long and I stepped off like a 12 year old boy … damn it.

Jana hopped on and I instantly knelt down.
This wasn’t right. I should probably be able to see.

Now let me take a moment to explain something.

Before I even met Jana I had been a member of Lifetime fitness. I woke up and worked out every morning at 5:30 AM.

I lifted, ran, swam, everything. I went 5-6 times a week. I loved it. And I never had a problem.

This “Squat machine” should NOT have been a problem.

Jana stepped off and I tried to stand up, but it didn’t go so well. As soon as I stood up everything went gray.

I dropped back down to a kneel and said “I don’t feel so good”.

Angie and Jana helped me up and I told them I need to sit down.

So we made our way over to the wall and Angie found me a chair. I was nauseous but at least my vision had come back. The really horrible part was that I knew it wasn’t going to last.

I was on the slippery downhill slope towards sleepyville and there was no stopping it.

Jana and Angie were talking saying things like:

“You ok?”

“He’s fine he’s fine”

“Over did it huh?”

“You need some juice”

“Just sit here a minute you’ll be fine”

I wanted to say something. I wanted to say “No no I’m not fine I’m going away now…help me” but I couldn’t speak.

Everything was spinning and it was battle of epic proportions to keep Jana’s voice in focus.

I remember Jana thought I must be diabetic and suffering from low blood sugar because she kept trying to give me juice.

I couldn’t hold the juice and certainly didn’t want to try ingesting it.
The last thing I remember was Jana sitting on the floor talking to Angie.

“Ah I’m a nurse.. if he passes out it’s all good” They seemed to share a good laugh at that.

Then suddenly all was quiet.

I was taken to a magical land where I met all sorts of wonderful new friends…
no … scratch that.

Actually I don’t really know how long I was out.
Long enough to scare the hell out of Jana and the Lifetime staff though.

Thankfully Jana instantly slipped into “work” mode and the critical care nurse in her came out.

I guess seeing some one go “white as paper” and having their “eyes roll back into their head” makes the situation a little more real to even the casual observer.

Eventually I woke up.

For some reason I was panicked when I woke. (maybe the fact that I spent several seconds flirting with the flat line)

I couldn’t see anything really but it sounded like I was standing directly under a helicopter. And then a few seconds later, in the far far distance, I could hear Jana.

“Breath Doug… Doug stay with me. Wake up wake up”
Some one was holding my head and I swear I saw my own face.
A few seconds later I was awake enough to realize what happened.

I looked over to Angie.

“I think I’m done working out today.” I said.

I heard something about 911 and was going to tell them not to bother with that… but the sentence was in the past tense so apparently they already had.

Jana and Angie were both taking a pulse and saying things like “38… it’s not getting any higher”

I looked around and turned to Jana.
“Somebody called 911?”

“Yes.”

“Get me down stairs before they get here”

Too late.

About that time I saw the fireman’s boots. I fought back the urge to snap off some cute remark like “what did somebody set me on fire?”

It was about as horrible a scene as you could imagine.
EKG, Oxygen mask, and the stretcher. Right there in front of God an everybody.

The ambulance ride was surreal.
Especially from my vantage point. Lots going on but apparently the most troubling to them was that my blood pressure wasn’t going back up. They started an I.V. to help and the monitor to my left streamed vitals out like a stock ticker.

I felt like I was in pretty good hands until the monitor to my left announced “Please change battery immediately”.

I looked over at the fire woman who was running the show and said “See my blood pressure is fine, you’ve just got a battery problem”

Jana and I sat through the obligatory ER stay, and final diagnosis.
Apparently I had a “Vagal syncope episode” pronounced “Vagel Seen ko pee” it sounds pretty serious, but boils down to “You fainted”

At least I hope that’s what it boils down to.

The doctor said that it can be caused by anything from a two page list of reasons but the most common is “Bearing down” or straining.

Such things can drop the blood pressure to almost nil, and eventually your brain gets tired of not having blood so it knocks your ass out.

The doctor said that many people who fall victim to this do so in the bathroom!

Well I guess that would have been even worse. Found in the bathroom, pants down, out cold, and probably suffering some head injury from the fall.

Still it’s a shame we spent so much money on a trainer… because I can never go back there again.