So Jana and I had a really good time this weekend hanging out with the Hicks clan.

We talked of our plans to get rich and rule the world, smoked some quality cigars, and generally had a really nice time.

Jana and I even got a chance to baby sit for Avery and Carson.

I slept for the first two hours of baby sitting and let Jana handle everything.

When I woke up Avery and Carson had eaten, been cleaned up, were in Pajamas, and everyone was sitting on the couch watching some cutesy movie.

Wow Jana had done pretty well.

Since I slept through dinner I started snacking a bit.

The lights were low and the kids were finishing up the movie in preparation for bed time.

Jana ran next door for a bit since I was awake and all the big things had been taken care of.

Everything at this point should have been “Babysitting for Dummies”.

All I had to do was let the movie end and then it was bed time. Jana had already done all the real work.

But about 2 minutes after Jana left the kids realized they were alone with me.

And the games were afoot.

Let me set the stage.

Carson and Avery were supposed be winding down for bed.

They were on the couch watching Toy story.

They were in their Pajamas and the lights were low.

Hell I was getting sleepy and I had just woken up!

I was at the kitchen table eating tortilla chips and drinking a diet Dr. Pepper.

Jana left.

Five minutes later the lights were on, we’d changed movies three times, and the kids were at the table eating my chips.

A total loss of control.

At one point I was just walking in circles mumbling “Jana…jana… jana… jana..”

Here’s a timeline of how it went down…

00:00:00 - I wake up and all is well.

00:01:15 - I’ve said my hellos to everyone and started to get myself some snack food.

00:05:00 - I’ve sat down at the kitchen table and Jana informs me she’ll “be right back”

00:07:00 - The kids realize Jana’s left me all alone at their mercy.

00:07:25 - Avery asks if we can change the movie.

00:07:26 - Carson screams “NOOOOooo I van oo blah oy sory!”

00:08:00 - I decode that to mean “No I want to watch toy story” and decide to leave the movie alone.

00:08:10 - Avery, obviously bored with Toy story asks for her “letter book”.

00:08:15 - I decide that a reader is an educational item and if she’s bored with the movie then SURE.. Learn to read!

00:08:57 - Avery says “I need some light to read this”

00:08:59 - The lights are on.

00:09:05 - Carson is looking around now. Avery isn’t reading.

00:09:06 - Avery asks to change the movie again since Carson wasn’t paying attention.

00:09:10 - After much debate with the two of them “Santa Clause” is the new preferred movie.

00:09:15 - I’m messing with the DVD player when I realize the kids aren’t on the couch anymore.

00:09:30 - I coral the kids on the couch to watch the new movie “Santa Clause”

00:09:35 - I turn the lights back off.

00:09:36 - Both kids scream “NO NO NO we need the light on”

00:09:37 - The lights are back on.

00:09:45 - Neither kid is interested in the movie so I move to the couch to sit with them.

00:10:00 - Avery asks for a drink of my Dr. Pepper.

00:10:00 - I say no, and offer water.

00:10:02 - Avery spills water all over the couch.

00:10:03 - The kids are up again while I wipe up the spill.

00:10:15 - Carson has gotten out the poker chips and is dispersing them about the room.

00:10:16 - Avery is at the table eating chips.

00:10:20 - I get the poker chips away from the boy and start to put them away.

00:10:25 - My chips are almost gone and both children are eating them.

00:10:30 - I assume the fetal position and rock myself to my happy place.

Jana eventually came home.

Jana: “What’s going on here?!”

Doug: “I don’t know… I’ve lost control… I think they can smell fear.”

Here’s the timeline of events when Jana got home.

00:00:01 - The lights go out.

00:00:02 - The kids protest “hey we need the lights..”

00:00:02.5 - Jana: “No you don’t we’re going to bed anyway. Come on back to the couch”

00:00:03 - the lights are out and the kids are on the couch.

00:00:04 - the kids want a different movie.

00:00:05 - Jana: “You don’t need a different movie because we’re going to bed in ten minutes anyway”

00:00 06 - The kids: “No…”

00:00:06.5 - Jana: “Yep ten minutes so you better get to watching”

00:00 07 - The kids: “But we don’t want to see Santa Clause.”

00:00:08 - Jana: “Well you can watch this one for ten minutes or we can go to bed now.”

00:00:09 - The Kids mumble “watch the movie.”

00:10:00 - The movie get’s shut off and the kids are put to bed.

So there you have it.

I got played by a fiver year old.

Well Friday was supposed to be the start of a fun, and exciting weekend.

- First workout at Lifetime in over a year. (complete with personal trainer)
- Uncle JuJu at Daddy Jacks
- Caps on Saturday
- And maybe even a movie on Sunday.

But none of that was meant to be.
At least not the way we had planned. I guess an ambulance ride would have to suffice.

Those of you that have never seen the inside of an ambulance from the stretcher perspective you’re missing out.

It’s like getting your big break on Third Watch or ER. I got to play the part of “Victim #1″ Friday night.

Jana and I arrived at Lifetime for our work out and met our trainer Angie.
Things started off just fine and we were getting a pretty good workout, and having a good time. Angie was visibly tired and admittedly hungry, as we were her last clients of the day.

When she announced that we were going to move on to the lower body work out I was pleased. I’ve always had pretty good leg power (perhaps all those years swimming) so this phase of the work out seemed a good place to wrap things up.

But the machine we were headed to was unfamiliar to me.
It said “SQUATS” on it but I didn’t belive it. I’ve done squats before…I even enjoyed them. Further I could plainly see the squat machine a few rows over. I’d used it many times.

When I stepped on it and followed Angie’s instructions I could tell before I even began lifting that this wasn’t a SQUAT machine. It was a cleverly disguised torture device meant to make us pay for delaying Angie’s dinner plans.

Still I wasn’t going to let some girl physical trainer get the best of me so I lifted the mother anyway. I don’t know how much weight it was but I got my 15 reps in and stepped of like a MAN damn it!

Jana got on the torture device and I started to stretch my quads a bit.

I don’t know why but for some reason I thought that stretching my legs may help ease the nausea I was feeling.

I knelt down a bit and felt only slightly better when it was my turn again for round two on the medieval contraption.

This round didn’t take as long and I stepped off like a 12 year old boy … damn it.

Jana hopped on and I instantly knelt down.
This wasn’t right. I should probably be able to see.

Now let me take a moment to explain something.

Before I even met Jana I had been a member of Lifetime fitness. I woke up and worked out every morning at 5:30 AM.

I lifted, ran, swam, everything. I went 5-6 times a week. I loved it. And I never had a problem.

This “Squat machine” should NOT have been a problem.

Jana stepped off and I tried to stand up, but it didn’t go so well. As soon as I stood up everything went gray.

I dropped back down to a kneel and said “I don’t feel so good”.

Angie and Jana helped me up and I told them I need to sit down.

So we made our way over to the wall and Angie found me a chair. I was nauseous but at least my vision had come back. The really horrible part was that I knew it wasn’t going to last.

I was on the slippery downhill slope towards sleepyville and there was no stopping it.

Jana and Angie were talking saying things like:

“You ok?”

“He’s fine he’s fine”

“Over did it huh?”

“You need some juice”

“Just sit here a minute you’ll be fine”

I wanted to say something. I wanted to say “No no I’m not fine I’m going away now…help me” but I couldn’t speak.

Everything was spinning and it was battle of epic proportions to keep Jana’s voice in focus.

I remember Jana thought I must be diabetic and suffering from low blood sugar because she kept trying to give me juice.

I couldn’t hold the juice and certainly didn’t want to try ingesting it.
The last thing I remember was Jana sitting on the floor talking to Angie.

“Ah I’m a nurse.. if he passes out it’s all good” They seemed to share a good laugh at that.

Then suddenly all was quiet.

I was taken to a magical land where I met all sorts of wonderful new friends…
no … scratch that.

Actually I don’t really know how long I was out.
Long enough to scare the hell out of Jana and the Lifetime staff though.

Thankfully Jana instantly slipped into “work” mode and the critical care nurse in her came out.

I guess seeing some one go “white as paper” and having their “eyes roll back into their head” makes the situation a little more real to even the casual observer.

Eventually I woke up.

For some reason I was panicked when I woke. (maybe the fact that I spent several seconds flirting with the flat line)

I couldn’t see anything really but it sounded like I was standing directly under a helicopter. And then a few seconds later, in the far far distance, I could hear Jana.

“Breath Doug… Doug stay with me. Wake up wake up”
Some one was holding my head and I swear I saw my own face.
A few seconds later I was awake enough to realize what happened.

I looked over to Angie.

“I think I’m done working out today.” I said.

I heard something about 911 and was going to tell them not to bother with that… but the sentence was in the past tense so apparently they already had.

Jana and Angie were both taking a pulse and saying things like “38… it’s not getting any higher”

I looked around and turned to Jana.
“Somebody called 911?”

“Yes.”

“Get me down stairs before they get here”

Too late.

About that time I saw the fireman’s boots. I fought back the urge to snap off some cute remark like “what did somebody set me on fire?”

It was about as horrible a scene as you could imagine.
EKG, Oxygen mask, and the stretcher. Right there in front of God an everybody.

The ambulance ride was surreal.
Especially from my vantage point. Lots going on but apparently the most troubling to them was that my blood pressure wasn’t going back up. They started an I.V. to help and the monitor to my left streamed vitals out like a stock ticker.

I felt like I was in pretty good hands until the monitor to my left announced “Please change battery immediately”.

I looked over at the fire woman who was running the show and said “See my blood pressure is fine, you’ve just got a battery problem”

Jana and I sat through the obligatory ER stay, and final diagnosis.
Apparently I had a “Vagal syncope episode” pronounced “Vagel Seen ko pee” it sounds pretty serious, but boils down to “You fainted”

At least I hope that’s what it boils down to.

The doctor said that it can be caused by anything from a two page list of reasons but the most common is “Bearing down” or straining.

Such things can drop the blood pressure to almost nil, and eventually your brain gets tired of not having blood so it knocks your ass out.

The doctor said that many people who fall victim to this do so in the bathroom!

Well I guess that would have been even worse. Found in the bathroom, pants down, out cold, and probably suffering some head injury from the fall.

Still it’s a shame we spent so much money on a trainer… because I can never go back there again.

Sometimes days just suck.

This one does royally.

I’m not kidding… have you ever had a day so bad that you just want to get up… walk out of work, drive home, and go to bed.

Sure you have.

But not like this.

See I’ve had very little human interaction today, so it’s not like someone has pissed me off. But even so, I’m sitting here trying to decide if going home right now is worth losing my job. And the jury’s still out.

I get physically ill when I think about the fact that it isn’t even Friday which means I have to come back into work instead of sleeping all day tomorrow.

(I think I threw up a little bit just now)

I’m supposed to be eating healthy and exercising too.

But I’m serious here:

It’s taken a candy bar, and two over priced vending machine cookies to keep me from openly weeping at my desk today.

Honestly, 90 cents for two preservative laden, vending machine cookies? Robbery. But at least they’re allowing me to stare at the clock for a few minutes more instead of rocking back and forth crying under my desk.

These cookies… actually they ought to be labeled “Chocolate chip fat cakes” are about a third the quality of a good Granny Smith cookie… and cost about a third more.

Stupid Cookies.

Stupid vending machine.

Also I’m overpaying for my diet caffeine drink.

But I opted for Diet Pepsi today since at least gives me a chance to win a BILLION dollars. So I guess that’s good.

Well no… it’s probably only 500-600 Million after taxes.

Stupid Taxes.

Stupid Pepsi.

Stupid Contest.

Stupid Day.